I have decided that this year is going to be my year, The Year of MissSearles, if you will.
Lets face it the last 4 months of my 21st year have been a wash-out to say the least, I've probably experienced more upset, heart-ache and berevement in the past few months than I'll ever experience again in my adult life (or god forbid if I do it wont all be within the same 20week time frame) but things are getting better all the time now, hopefully no more big set backs.
So here's to my last day of being 21, new adventures, new friends, new oppourtunities (and to hark back to my original post on this blog) a
Dear House,
I can't believe this day has come, after 20 years of being together, after this weekend I can no longer call you my Home.
It wasn't a decision that was taken lightly but it really is for the best.
You're the only Home I've ever really known and you've helped to create so many good memories and they can't ever be taken away from me but lately things have become tainted with bad memories and that's why its time to move on.
I'm going to miss your quirks-the way the 4th and 5th stair really creak, the way you have to push my old bedroom door until it clicks to make sure its shut and things like knowing where someone is in the house just by the sounds the floor makes.
I'm going to miss the friends we have, the next door neighbour who's never missed one of our birthdays and always comes to sing Happy Birthday at the front door (no matter how old we are!) the ones that will always wave from the window if they see me walking up the road.
You've watched me grow-up, I learnt to ride my bike in our garden, do roly-polys in our front room, go under water in our bath, you listened as sung for hours on end practicing for concerts.
I really did believe I would be raising a family in you one day but its not something that can happen now, you'll get to be a home to someone else's children and watch them grow up now and you'll make them just as happy as you've made me.
Thank you for being the only Home I have ever known and the best that I could have ever wanted.
I'm going to miss you,
Lots of love always
Charlotte
xxxx
Today my body kinda feels like its giving up on me, yesterday was quite a difficult day, I left work early as I was very close to having a panic attack and was really struggling to calm down. I've not felt that out of control of my body in a long time and its a bit of a shock, I still feel like I'm in 'Fight or Flight' mode now and I'm not too sure how to stop it. I'm feeling a bit like life has caught up with me, after I ignored what I was saying about just taking Baby steps and tried to take some steps I really wasn't ready for. I'm still happy though, a bit emotionally drained but happy, things are changing for the better and I'm trying to look forward.
A big decision has been made in the past week or so, I'm going to be giving up my house and moving back to my parents. This house has been my home for 19 years now (the house was our family home and where my sister and I grew up, my parents bought a new place just over a year ago, they moved out and rented this house to me) but I cant afford to stay here and the good memories of growing up here have been tainted by what happened at Christmas. I wanted this to be the house I raised a family in but I don't think I could share this house, my home, with somebody else now.
I'm sad to be leaving this house but it really is for the best, I'll be able to start over properly and work out what I want to do.
With every end comes a new beginning and a new adventure, so with that in mind, roll on the next few weeks and... 'The New Adventures of MissSearles' (has to be said in a Superhero style voice)
I woke up smiling on Saturday morning I woke up happy and motivated I got housework done I didn't argue with my sister I woke up happyon Sunday morning too We went shopping and bought new clothes, I could smile at my reflection We went to our parents for Sunday dinner, Mum said I seem back to my old self They've missed it...I've missed it
Best of all? I'm singing again, I'm singing properly like I always used to I haven't sung like that for months I'm singingbecause I'm happy and you can hear it in my voice Things are getting better...I think I've turned the corner
What I'm after is a song that reminds you of something, that has a story for you. Not necessarily your favourite song or a even a song that you love, but a song that instantly takes you back to that time and place.
My favourite song of all time is 'Years From Now' by Dr.Hook. It has been one of my favourite songs for as long as I can remember and it always reminds me of being on holiday when I was younger. We never used to be able to afford to fly to go on holiday so we spent a few summers driving down to my Nan and Grandads house in France, we used to play the same cassette tapes in the car for years and from a young age Natalie and I knew all the words to The Beautiful South-Carry on up the Charts tape, Simply Red-Fairground album and Dr.Hook-Greatest Hits.
This song is just perfect, beautifully arranged and sang and lovely words- it was supposed to be the song for my first dance at my wedding and everytime I'd listened to it for the past year or so I could picture that moment in my mind...when that all changed at Christmas I was worried I'd never be able to listen to this song again.
I was sitting in my office last night with iTunes on random and it came on without me realising, I was half way through singing along before I realised what it was, I stopped to think for a second almost expecting myself to get upset but I didn't, I was actually really happy.
"Years from now, I'll want you years from now
And I'll hold you years from now, as I love you tonight
You are my one true friend, always my one true friend
And I'll love you 'til life's end, as I love you tonight
I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
But still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see
Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight
I know this world that we live in can be hard now and then
And it will be again, many times we've been down
Still love has kept us together, the flame never dies
When I look in your eyes, the future I see
Wanting you years from now, and holding you years from now
And loving you years from now, as I love you tonight"
I thought it would remind me of the wedding that wouldn't be happening and the life thats changed so much, but it didn't, it made me realise that I will get that special day eventually and one day this song will mean as much to the special person that I'll share it with as it does to me.
I don't think anything can ruin this song for me and thats one of the best feelings ever, knowing that there are always going to be little things that make me happy is one of the reasons why I know everything will be ok.
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