Multi-tasking Vs. Uni-tasking

I like being busy and trying to multi-task.
I like having things to do and projects to work on.

I don't like feeling unorganized and I really don't like it when I can't concentrate because there is too much going on in my head. A few weeks ago I started a 'Tuesday To Do List' the idea being that if I wrote down a list on my blog I was more likely to get it done (because you lot would tell me off if not!) and that did work well, but I still felt like I had too much going on in my head.
I work best when there are routines or a schedule to follow-I like the feeling in control.
After a quick convo on Twitter with @vwallop and @mummylimited, where I was

1. Reassured I'm not a freak for considering making myself a schedule to plan out my evenings and
2. told that multi-tasking is a really inefficient way to work and pointed towards this article and I decided that I'd give Uni-tasking a go.

I came up with...

'a cunning plan'

It involves devising a schedule for some evenings during the week to help plan my time better and by trying Uni-tasking it means that I can just focus on one task at a time with no other distractions (so no music on while I'm trying to write, no Twitter (I know..its scary!) when I'm trying to sort paper work etc - it makes sense; I'm easily distracted, if I minimise distractions I should be able to work quicker and more efficiently) 

I'm not going to go overboard and try to micro manage every last minute of my evening I'm just going to try setting aside a few hours that I can break down into chunks to work on certain areas; for example - setting aside time to blog, answer emails, catch up on my Google Reader, tidy-up.

I know this probably sounds amazingly boring, tedious and overly controlling to most of you but if you could experience just how busy and crazy my head feels some days then you'd understand why I'm so excited at the prospect of this working to help turn down the noise!

Life Limbo

This week has been a bit of a funny week, it’s gone so quickly and there’s so much going on in my head at the moment that I hardly feel like I've had time to take a minute for myself.

I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment, I'm not too sure what’s going on I've made plans for a few weeks time after I've moved to Mum and Dads, I've made plans for my birthday and I've booked flights to go away in June but I can’t quite get my head around what’s going on between now and then.

I'm supposed to be leaving the house and moving to Mum and Dads next weekend-I haven’t started packing, I've got no idea where to start, every time I think about it it just feels like too much to take in. I try to think about it logically but then as soon as I go to make a start on any of it I get a mental block and find something more interesting to do like see friends or go out.

I know I have to get it done and I know I have to do it soon but the problem is that I'm not just packing up to move house, I'm packing up and leaving the home I've lived in for nearly 20 years, I'm packing up my life and starting over. It feels like such a big thing to do and I just want to fast forward a few weeks and have it over and done with.

Any time something has come up lately, a problem or something that knocked the wind out of my sails a little bit, I've just thought to myself, everything will be fine/alot easier in a few weeks once I've moved to Mum and Dads.

I know moving to theirs won’t be the end to all my problems but I’m so desperate to get through the next few weeks and try to close that chapter of my life and start again in a new home and environment.

The only thing stopping myself from doing it is me, one friend suggested just chucking everything in the car and sorting it out when I get to my parents but I feel like I should be spend the time to go through things properly, take time to process the situation, remember the memories I’ve had here, cry about it, say goodbye to my home...it’s going to be a long and emotional week.

The Gallery - Me

This weeks prompt was 'Me'

Tara wanted us to share a photo that reflects who we are.
Take a look at this weeks other enteries into The Gallery

This is me, things a bit black and white at the moment.
I know thing are going on but some days they don't feel like they have any colour to them.
Like today; I was sitting on my bed and I couldn't remember what day it was, not in a forgetful sort of way, in a scary - no recollection of whats really happened in the past 48 hours - kind of way, it was horrible, I want the colours back.

How am I supposed to cope...Can you help me?

This is probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to admit to and its something that I never thought I'd have the courage to say let alone accept.

I'm really not coping at the moment.

On Xmas eve my fiancee left me and my whole world basically fell apart. We were supposed to be getting married on October 2nd this year-the venues, honeymoon, photographer, caterers, DJ were booked and I had found my wedding dress.
We'd talked about trying for a family a year or so after the wedding, we knew where we were going and I thought we were happy. Turns out it was only me that was happy, he wasn't sure it was what he wanted anymore or if he loved me.
Christmas day and boxing day passed in a blur-I slept alot, I didn't eat and I didn't really talk, I cried a little bit but not properly(I cried the first few days but after that I decided I needed to pull myself together-I don't like to seem weak)
The day after boxing day my parents went to visit family and I went home to help him move the rest of his stuff out, not too sure why I helped him-I think i was still in shock-I wanted to see him for a bit longer.
The next day I went away with my parents and sister to see my Uncle in Holland for the week between Christmas and New Years, mainly because I couldn't stand the idea of being in the house on my own and not being near my parents and also because I just wanted to be away from everything. I didn't want to have to answer peoples questions or even begin to think about how I was going to afford the house and the car on my own.

I started this blog on New Years day, if you go back and read my first post you can see the kind of frame of mind I was in, I was excited about starting a new chapter in my life and becoming a new person, being away from the situation and home made it seem so much simpler, it felt like it was just a case of getting back home and going full steam ahead into a new life.
I'd deal with it, I'd cope and I'd be fine.

Problem is I've not dealt with whats happened, I've thrown myself into projects and anything I can think of to try and distract myself from the fact that things aren't ok. I've been putting on a front for the past few months and trying my hardest to not let people see that things are getting to me or affecting me.

The past two months have gone past in a blur, I cant remember what I did yesterday let alone last week. I've not slept or eaten properly in weeks and its really starting to take its toll, I wake up feeling headachey and dizzy, anything I eat makes me feel sick-clothes are hanging off of me (I've lost enough weight to go down a shoe size!) I haven't done any housework since January-luckily my sister has moved in and has taken over the main job of cleaning-my office and bedroom are a mess and I can't concentrate or relax when things aren't organised or neat. I manage best when there are routines and plans set in place, I like to know what has to be done when-it helps me to feel in control.

I'm in self destruct mode, I know I'm making myself ill, I'm contemplating silly things (like dosing myself up on the stupidly strong painkillers the Dr gave me because I know they help me relax to the point that I'm not safe to drive) I know I'm working to much, some days I feel nothing and other my minds going at a mile a minute and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I know I've been running away from things but its because I cant even begin to understand how I'm supposed to cope with all of this and all of a sudden over the past few days I've realised just how bad I've let it get.

So there, I've admitted it. I can't cope and I'm scared and most of all I don't know how to fix it.

I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to post this, I was going to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning but I'm worried that if I don't post it now I'll convince myself I'm fine and carry on again for another few weeks and make it even worse.
Strangely enough at this moment in time I don't feel scared putting this out there for all to see, at least if my feelings are out there and written down I've admitted how I'm feeling, I realise I'm making myself extremely vulnerable by doing this but I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think I needed too, in all honesty I'm scared about how things will carry on if I don't.

So this is me reaching out, I'm asking for help, how do I go about tackling all of this?
Where do I start?