Thursday, 10 June 2010

Writing Workshop- Lost and (soon to be) Found

This is my first time doing the Writing Workshop, I chose Prompt 2 - What part of you is lost that you would like to find again?

I lost a very important part of me a while ago, given the circumstances at the time its completely understandable-inevitable even, and these past few months and in fact the starting of this blog was my way of trying to get it back.

I lost my 'sparkle', my confidence, the thing that truly made me Me

It hasn't been easy trying to find it again, anyone that knows me or even follows this blog knows that I'm not  patient person, its been a struggle these past few months and I've pushed to try and get it back when I just wasn't quite ready. Theres been highs and lows, mistakes and revelations. If I hadn't have been writing this blog and made the friends I have done through blogging I have no doubt that it would have taken me so much longer to find it again.
I've had to learn to be myself again, just Charlotte-on my own and not part of a couple, but its also given me a chance to redefine myself and think about what I want. When I started the blog back in January I was Charlotte and I just wrote under the name of MissSearles because I wasn't in a particularly inventive mood when I was thinking of blog names and it still gave me a bit of anonymity and something to hide behind (I know its my real surname but at the time it made me feel hopeful, in my head MissSearles was this independent woman who was just going to brush off what had happened and bounce back better than before...and I expected it all to happen straight away!)
But now, as cheesy as it sounds, I really feel like I am MissSearles, I'm all the things that I saw MissSearles being when I started writing, I'm happy, healthy, positive and confident, its just taken a while to get there.

In 14 days I'm going away, I'm taking a step out of my 'old' Charlotte comfort zone and I'm getting on a plane by myself and flying to Canada to visit my great aunt and uncle.
When I booked the trip it was because I needed to get away and I wanted somewhere that was far away but somewhere I would feel safe, I didn't think about the fact that it would be my first holiday alone without my parents or sister - I just needed to escape.
This isn't the case anymore, I don't need to escape and I don't need to run away.
I do still need the holiday, I need time to relax, see family and be in the sun.
Most importantly I need this holiday to prove to myself that the thing I'd lost is back, it may sound really trivial but, as soon as I say goodbye to Dad and Natalie at the airport (they're dropping me off-mum has to work)...I'm going to be on my own, in an airport, about to board an 8hour flight - its something I would have been terrified to do before; I'd be panicking about what gate to go to and worrying I might get homesick whilst I was away...
But now I know I'll be fine because as soon as I check in for that flight and they leave I can finally give myself permission to close the door on the past few months, step out of my old comfort zone and leave behind the broken Charlotte that I started writing as and be the new MissSearles.

So in summary and to answer Josie's prompt
What part of you is lost that you would like to find again?
I've lost my sparkle but I've found it again (turns out its waiting for me at the Air Transat check in desk at Gatwick airport) and I know its going to be brighter than ever!
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